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He lay sprawled, too wicked to move, spewed up like a broken spider-crab on the tarry shingle of the morning. The light did him harm, but not so much as looking at things did; he resolved, having done it once, never to move his eyeballs again. A dusty thudding in his head made the scene before him beat like a pulse. His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum. During the night, too, he’d somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad. Kingsley Amis’ Lucky Jim. We have all been there, haven’t we? The bloodshot eyes, the thudding head, the churning stomach. In other words, the hangover. It is believed the hangover was discovered some 500,000 years ago, around eight hours after a cro-magnon found that eating some over-ripe berries created a very pleasant feeling, and loss of balance. Since then, mankind has been searching for the perfect hangover cure. To help with the search, I will first explain how and why hangovers occur (apart from the obvious, drinking too much) and then provide some of the more popular remedies handed down over the years from one sufferer to another. One of the basic problems with alcohol is it is a diuretic. This means that it suppresses the production of Anti-Diuretic-Hormone (ADH for short). To put it bluntly, alcohol makes you go to the toilet one hell of a lot. This makes you dehydrated and throws the body one wicked curve ball. If you cannot avoid drinking too much (and who can) the choice of drink is a strong factor in the level of the hangover. For another problem with alcohol is it contains nasty little things called congeners. The more congeners, the more little men drilling holes in your head in the morning. Dark drinks like rum have more congeners and should be avoided when going on a ‘bender’. There is an old saying about the office party. Avoid the giggly young things drinking rum and coke and make a bee-line for the solitary matron consoling herself on neat vodka. Not only will she be more grateful but she will be able to make you breakfast and drive you home in the morning. When it comes to a cure, you have a nice cup of strong black coffee and it picks you up, doesn’t it? Trouble is, while the influx of caffeine into the drink ravaged system will help for a short time, caffeine also happens to be a strong diuretic, so once it wears off you are in a worse state than before. The ancient Greeks and Romans thought that wearing vine leaves, eating soil and putting resin in the wine would ward off the hangover (the latter practice is continued to this day in drinks like Retsina and Ouzo. From personal experience I find it makes them taste so bloody foul that you have to get wrecked just to get rid of the flavour). Of course none of these work and eating soil may well kill you, hence the saying "kill or cure". Both the Greek and Roman empires fell. There may be a connection. Mind you, it was also the Greeks who insisted that rubbing goose droppings into the scalp was a cure for baldness. It may well be, but you would end up the smelliest, loneliest hairy person in the world. Modern times have brought more modern methods and a range of assorted cocktails to bring you round. Here are three of the more ‘popular’ ones: Prairie Oyster One egg yolk. Quarter pint tomato juice. One level dessert spoon Worcestershire Sauce. One level tea spoon Cayenne pepper. Six drops of chilli vinegar. One level tea spoon of rock salt. One single measure of brandy. Pour into a glass and down as quickly as possible. (This can also be turned into the Prairie Hen, the only difference being the whole egg is added). Corpse Reviver One third Brandy. One third Fernet Branca (Underberg can be used). One third white Crème de Menthe. Shake with ice, strain and serve. The Jeeves Cocktail Book Corpse Reviver One third sweet vermouth. One third Calvados. One third Brandy. Stir and strain into glass. Spot the connection with all of the above? You guessed it, they all contain alcohol, which is exactly what caused the problem in the first place (a.k.a. the ‘Hair of the Dog’)! There is an official recipe for the ‘Hair of the Dog’, as follows: One ounce Scotch. One and a half ounces of heavy cream. One and a half ounces of honey. Shake vigorously (if you can stand the noise) with shaved ice and serve. Sooner or later the ‘Hair of the Dog’ will wear off and you will be back to the same sorry state as you were in the first place, but at least you were able to enjoy yourself for a while before it all went pear-shaped again. If you are really desperate, you could always try a prayer to Saint Jude, the Patron Saint of lost causes. Which is another way of saying that there is no real cure for a hangover. If you find anything that works for you, stick with it and good luck to you! Back to Bob's index... |